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Last Saturday I completed my second marathon. It had been quite a few years since my first, so I had forgotten about the “post-marathon marathon”. That second marathon starts the minute you cross the finish line and suddenly realize that you still have to get back to your car, drive home, and survive the rest of the day. So, here’s a mile by mile breakdown of the post-marathon marathon based on my experience:

Mile 1: Locating and then hobbling over to the shuttle van that will take you back to the starting line.

Mile 2: Entering said shuttle van. If you’re lucky, it will be a church van with a driver experienced at helping octogenarians in and out on Sundays.

Mile 3: Making small talk with several other people in the van who are in a semi-vegetative state after having run 26.2 miles.

Mile 4: Exiting the van.

Mile 5: Climbing up the stairs to get to the post-race meal and awards ceremony. Be sure to use those hand rails.

Mile 6: Getting your food while resisting the urge to rip into the serving tray like a ravenous wild animal. Or, your stomach may feel a little upset and you may feel like vomiting at the sight of food. Take your pick.

Mile 7: Sitting down at a cafeteria table designed for 10-year-olds.

Mile 8: Watching the awards presentation and finding out that you were an hour away from placing in the top three of your age group. Count your blessings though. If you had won, you would have to crawl to the front to receive your medal.

Mile 9: Kneeling down to remove the timing chip from your shoes. Ouch!

Mile 10: Getting back up and making it back down the stairs.

Mile 11: “Walking” to your car.

Mile 12: Searching for the car key in your shorts. If it fell out during your race, you just may become an ultra post-marathoner.

Mile 13: Driving a couple hundred feet to where the showers are. Don’t judge!

Mile 14: Taking a shower. Okay, this part feels great. At least until it’s time to wash your feet.

Mile 15: Starting the long drive back home.

Mile 16: Trying to stay awake while driving. By this time, the lack of sleep from the night before due to anticipation of the race has fully set in.

Mile 17: Stopping to get a milkshake to “help you stay awake”. Hey, I just burned about 3,500 calories.

Mile 18: Finding that you’re still a little hungry and ordering a hamburger, fries, chicken nuggets, mozzarella sticks, and perhaps one of everything else on the menu.

Mile 19: Pulling into your garage and being greeted by your kids who are excited to see you. Normally that’s great, but after 26.2 you’d really like them to get out of the way so you can open your car door.

Mile 20: Carrying your gear into the house. Throwing it in a pile on your bedroom floor seems like a good strategy at this point.

Mile 21: Realizing that you have kids (in my case six—I just may be an ultra post-marathoner) and that you can’t just jump into bed and sleep the rest of the day. This is also known as “the wall”.

Mile 22: Using the toilet. Okay, that part is not too bad. The hard part is getting back up. Don’t sit too long!

Mile 23: Having your wife ask you if you mind watching the kids while she takes a quick nap since she was up half the night with the baby. The correct answer is “no, I don’t mind”. You wouldn’t have been able to do this without her. Besides, it’s amazing what you can accomplish barking orders to your kids while lying down on the couch. Heck, I was even able to change my toddler’s dirty diaper without getting up (that may require some practice before the race).

You’re getting close to the end, but those last few miles can be killer.

Mile 24: Going to a social engagement with your family that seemed like a good idea at the time you agreed to go. Now you have to interact with other people while trying your best to not look and act like a zombie.

Mile 25: Limping around trying to gather up your (six) kids and get them loaded into the car. This can resemble whack-a-mole as you think you have them all only to find the one has disappeared.

Mile 26: After an ice bath, finally crawling into bed for the night.

You only think you’re done. The last 0.2 can really do you in.

Mile 26.2: Waking up in the middle of the night multiple times to use the bathroom. Trying to move across the room with stiff, sore legs and tripping on the gear on the floor that you forgot to put away.

Congratulations! You are a post-marathon marathoner. Unfortunately, you don’t get a medal for that.

What have you faced in the post-marathon marathon? Please share your experiences in the comments!