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Let’s face it. Becoming an elite triathlete would take a lot of blood, sweat, and tears. Besides, it may be a physical or even genetic impossibility for some of us. But, that shouldn’t keep you from sounding like one. Next time you want to impress your friends, just pull out one of these simple phrases—and hope they don’t press you for details:

“I didn’t win, but I did place.” Technically, you placed 423rd if you want to be precise, but don’t mention that.

“I kept seeing the leaders, but couldn’t quite catch them.” Never mind that you kept seeing them as the lapped you over and over. Besides, catching someone is probably against the rules.

“Dealing with my sponsor can be difficult at times.” Especially when your sponsor is your spouse and they want you to do things like take out the trash, do the dishes, and change dirty diapers.

“Did I see you at Kona?” The answer is obviously “no”, because you’ve never been there, but it never hurts to ask.

“I was number three.” This is of course referring to your race bib, not your placement in the results. Just be sure to register early.

“My coach says…” It doesn’t actually matter what your coach says. The mere fact that you have a coach will scream “I am elite!” especially to your non-triathlete friends who don’t know how common it is to have one.

“I’ve won fewer than five events in my lifetime.” Zero is definitely less than five if I got the math right.

“It’s my off season right now.” Yes, this just means that it’s too dang cold to swim in the open water or ride a bike outdoors, but it sure makes you sound serious.

“I’ve thought about going pro.” We can all dream can’t we?

“I got a flat halfway through the bike course, but I patched it and made it through.” Actually, if you made any bike repair mid-race and still finished, you ARE elite.

“I didn’t get on the podium this time.” Just like every other time.

“I won my age group!” Don’t mention that you were the only one in your age group.

“I write for a triathlon website.” No comment.

Well, there you go. Get out there and show everyone just how elite you are sound.

Inspiration for this post came from my favorite outdoor writer and humorist, Patrick F. McManus. He’s a modern day Mark Twain. If you’re looking for a little outdoors humor, I definitely recommend his books.